When you left the world lost me.

I thought what we had would be enough for you to want to stay. I let myself believe the words you spun into a warm soft blanket. It always felt so perfect when we were close. Our hearts seemed to flutter in the same direction. I could look in your eyes and feel your meaning without a single vibration leaving your lips. You made me feel strong when you told me I made you feel safe. You made me question life, both what I already knew and what I had just begun to discover. You complemented my world in thousands of ways. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done to spend the rest of my life with you. It became my dream. I suppose it was my dream before I even knew it. Now that you’re gone I battle with the memory of it every day.

I have given in to the fact that I will never love another. Although that notion has been voiced by so many amazing loves past I like to dwell in the originality of my own misfortune. I’ve turned us into a fairy tale. You play the angel and I enter the stage as the devil’s daughter. Our story, a Biblical Romeo and Juliet, as if it wasn’t filled with enough religious undertones already. What we had was nothing and everything. It was the flint before the fire and the calm before the storm. It was, in and of itself, its own cliche’.

For a while I let myself think that you would come back. I allowed myself to believe that there was no possible way that you could walk away from us. But then you stopped calling. You stopped contacting me all together a few weeks after that. Soon you became a wish and a memory. So now I reserve myself for no one but the thought of you. A someone that I’m sure you would say you remain without me. I have not grown bitter I have only continued to grow alone. The world lost it’s color when you left. When you left the world lost me.

free

I’m not allowed to tell you I love you
Not allowed to hold you or touch you
Without you there’s not much left of me to see
With you I’ll never truly be free

heart beating silent contemplation

heart beating silent contemplation
of tender kisses lingering touch
breathing faster inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
mouth going dry anticipation
body tensing untensing releasing
smile forming mind drifting
bfeating faster inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
hands tingling warmth of contentment spreading
passion rising joy bursting out
light exploding calm coming
breathing slower inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
thoughts entering leaving attention wandering
smile forming laughter rising
oceans getting smaller obstacles fading
breathing slower inhale exhale

The Definition

It was in the moment that I met you that I knew love would never be the same for me again. Never would I take a moment with you for granted. Never would I be able to imagine someone fitting me as well as you did. Knowing you has tainted my vision on love. If not with you then I refuse to feel it. If not with you then I will happily die alone. I’ve asked you to be with me, begged you to remain by my side, and all you’ve managed to do is leave me.

It is the most beautiful thing that I will never be able to touch. This is my definition of love now. This is how I see it from my eyes since falling, ever so hopelessly, in love with you. I will go on without you because attempting to love someone else wouldn’t be fair. I will hope to dream of you, because it may be the only chance I ever get to kiss your lips. You are love to me and without you love no longer exists.

You will always have me.

A letter to my ex about gifts

Dear D.,

We finally left the party for the partner in your practice, the party I never wanted to attend in the first place. We came home early, wilted from the late August heat, and flopped together on the battered sofa.

We sat silently as you rubbed my back. I felt the full width of your palms. I lost track of time. I stayed in my dress, my hair loose and, by that point, in tangles. I turned toward you, leaned into your chest, and then stretched across your lap. Your hands moved into my hair.

“We have to wash the car.”‘

“You mean we have to wash your car,” I said.

“Well, yes.”

“It’s okay. I’ll do it. I said I would.”

I felt your fingers take one chunk of my hair, twirl it into a coil, then shake it loose, pulling it straight again. I didn’t move away, but I thought about it.

“I really don’t get to see or touch your hair,” you said. “This is rare.”

“It is rare.”

“How come I’m allowed to do it today?”

“Because I’m too hot and sleepy to stop you.” I paused. “And it’s not like you’re not allowed to touch it other times.”

“Yeah, but you never let it happen other times. There’s no chance. Like it’s untouchable.”

“Are we washing your car or not?”

“Yeah.”

“I should get changed then.”

“Can you leave your hair down?”

I eased off your lap, gently, and didn’t know if I could leave my hair loose for you.

I changed in the bedroom, leaving my dress in a wrinkled heap on the floor. Instead of braiding my hair or pulling it upward, I tied it in a loose ponytail – a compromise.

Access to hair. You didn’t mean to ask for the impossible.

I’m no Samson. I know that for a fact. I already lost my hair and gained strength instead when it happened, but not without feeling crushed and disoriented. You didn’t know what was lost to me back then. You couldn’t know, not after playing with over two feet of hair locked securely in my scalp.