A note left under my pillow

I seem to be falling for you right before my eyes. Your face has changed, your laugh sounds like the most well written music, and your smile brings out the best in me. I have loved before only to experience this and realize calling anything before you love was foolish. You are my everything. You are the dream that I hadn’t yet realized. You are the reason God made lips and the sun and the moon. Please. Tell me you love me too, and let me prove to you that life can live on happily ever after.

You are my heart. For every day that I go on without you I die twice as fast. You are the woman that was made in the creation of my guardian angel. The one person that I can whisper my lies to and scream out my truths. You are the first drug that I allowed my permission for addiction. Our blood together becomes wine. Our dreams give way to actual vision and our strength is untamable when one. You are the most beautiful version of my mind, body and soul.

Written for a long lost love

There will never be another woman more fit for me than you. Never will I look into anothers eye’s and see such a clear vision of my future the way I did when I looked in yours. In your own way you have taught me both how to love and how to let go of love. I keep on telling myself that not having you in my life is the Gods doing me a favor. Every time I miss you I attempt to replace it with the joy of no longer wanting you. After failing at this time and time again I’ve decided to simply get through the agony of the loss of you the best way I can.

It is without you that I am forced to go on. I keep on reassuring myself that it is for the best. I keep on surrounding myself with thoughts of a future where I don’t feel the pain of waking up without you. It’s just that every time I close my eyes, every time I smell certain smells, every time I think of love, it is only you that comes to mind.

Have a become a monster to you? Have you locked me out of any of your thoughts? When was it that you determined your future would be best without me in it?  I would have liked to have been there that day. I would have liked to hold your hand and watched your life transform without me in it.

I am alone now. Standing on top of a world that only seemed to make sense with you in it. You are as close to me as a stranger. You are as far from me as you’ve ever been. I sit alone with tears that have no explanation. I sit alone with the loss of you, chosen, but not for the right reasons. If you were to see me now you would see the lack of life I’m living. There is nothing worse than waiting to be saved by someone who has forgotten your name. Nothing worse than trying to hold on to someone that no longer wants to be anyone to you.

I am alone but I’m still alive. I’m alive, but I’m less of who I am without you. May you never forget where your heart belongs. May you never think that you can’t come back. May you never believe that I fell out of love with you.

Anonymously yours

Dear HannaH,

I feel like I know better than to fall for you. Our relationship would be impossible if it even worked. And so I find myself turning to the person I am the next closest to. But without you…

Maybe because I look up to you, I find myself comparing things to this, even though I’m not incredibly attracted to you. I don’t know who I am committed to. I don’t know who I am attracted to. Where did the jealously come from? I know this is impossible but a part of me wants it to work. Using her to fill the void you left me with.

Contact me. I need your assurance.
You’re still a big part of me. Before this, I allowed myself some kind of preparation, but it still creeps up.

Anonymously yours

Dear….

Dear….

I know this is a little out of the blue, and might even seem weird to you. I never intended to approach you or look you up and tell you this. From the way I started out this letter you probably know what it’s about. I must confess to you that I have the hugest crush on you; I’ve had one even before I knew your name…I know weird right?  I know we hardly know each other at all, and I’m a little surprised that I’ve sent this to you. To tell the truth someone is standing over me making me write you and send it to you, because I’m scared as shit to do this alone. You probably didn’t know I was gay…well maybe you did, because I know people talk. I know what people say, but I won’t give them the satisfactory of knowing. Plus I’m totally still in the closet. I heard from someone that you just got of a serious relationship, and I really didn’t want to approach you and be afraid of a rejection or being a rebound. Even if you’re not interested I had to let you know, because it had been bothering me for the longest time. Without it being said it would’ve drove me crazy with “what if’s”.  Anyways I just wanted you to know that I think that you’re such an awesome and intriguing person. I’m not really ready to let everyone know that I’m gay yet so if you could keep this secret to yourself that would be awesome. And if you would like to keep in touch or even if your interested that would be even more awesome (no pressure though lol jk) then please just let me know…U know even if I act like a white girl I’m a pretty chill girl.

Alex

When you left the world lost me.

I thought what we had would be enough for you to want to stay. I let myself believe the words you spun into a warm soft blanket. It always felt so perfect when we were close. Our hearts seemed to flutter in the same direction. I could look in your eyes and feel your meaning without a single vibration leaving your lips. You made me feel strong when you told me I made you feel safe. You made me question life, both what I already knew and what I had just begun to discover. You complemented my world in thousands of ways. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done to spend the rest of my life with you. It became my dream. I suppose it was my dream before I even knew it. Now that you’re gone I battle with the memory of it every day.

I have given in to the fact that I will never love another. Although that notion has been voiced by so many amazing loves past I like to dwell in the originality of my own misfortune. I’ve turned us into a fairy tale. You play the angel and I enter the stage as the devil’s daughter. Our story, a Biblical Romeo and Juliet, as if it wasn’t filled with enough religious undertones already. What we had was nothing and everything. It was the flint before the fire and the calm before the storm. It was, in and of itself, its own cliche’.

For a while I let myself think that you would come back. I allowed myself to believe that there was no possible way that you could walk away from us. But then you stopped calling. You stopped contacting me all together a few weeks after that. Soon you became a wish and a memory. So now I reserve myself for no one but the thought of you. A someone that I’m sure you would say you remain without me. I have not grown bitter I have only continued to grow alone. The world lost it’s color when you left. When you left the world lost me.

free

I’m not allowed to tell you I love you
Not allowed to hold you or touch you
Without you there’s not much left of me to see
With you I’ll never truly be free

heart beating silent contemplation

heart beating silent contemplation
of tender kisses lingering touch
breathing faster inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
mouth going dry anticipation
body tensing untensing releasing
smile forming mind drifting
bfeating faster inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
hands tingling warmth of contentment spreading
passion rising joy bursting out
light exploding calm coming
breathing slower inhale exhale
power of reason beginning to fail
thoughts entering leaving attention wandering
smile forming laughter rising
oceans getting smaller obstacles fading
breathing slower inhale exhale

The Definition

It was in the moment that I met you that I knew love would never be the same for me again. Never would I take a moment with you for granted. Never would I be able to imagine someone fitting me as well as you did. Knowing you has tainted my vision on love. If not with you then I refuse to feel it. If not with you then I will happily die alone. I’ve asked you to be with me, begged you to remain by my side, and all you’ve managed to do is leave me.

It is the most beautiful thing that I will never be able to touch. This is my definition of love now. This is how I see it from my eyes since falling, ever so hopelessly, in love with you. I will go on without you because attempting to love someone else wouldn’t be fair. I will hope to dream of you, because it may be the only chance I ever get to kiss your lips. You are love to me and without you love no longer exists.

You will always have me.

A letter to my ex about gifts

Dear D.,

We finally left the party for the partner in your practice, the party I never wanted to attend in the first place. We came home early, wilted from the late August heat, and flopped together on the battered sofa.

We sat silently as you rubbed my back. I felt the full width of your palms. I lost track of time. I stayed in my dress, my hair loose and, by that point, in tangles. I turned toward you, leaned into your chest, and then stretched across your lap. Your hands moved into my hair.

“We have to wash the car.”‘

“You mean we have to wash your car,” I said.

“Well, yes.”

“It’s okay. I’ll do it. I said I would.”

I felt your fingers take one chunk of my hair, twirl it into a coil, then shake it loose, pulling it straight again. I didn’t move away, but I thought about it.

“I really don’t get to see or touch your hair,” you said. “This is rare.”

“It is rare.”

“How come I’m allowed to do it today?”

“Because I’m too hot and sleepy to stop you.” I paused. “And it’s not like you’re not allowed to touch it other times.”

“Yeah, but you never let it happen other times. There’s no chance. Like it’s untouchable.”

“Are we washing your car or not?”

“Yeah.”

“I should get changed then.”

“Can you leave your hair down?”

I eased off your lap, gently, and didn’t know if I could leave my hair loose for you.

I changed in the bedroom, leaving my dress in a wrinkled heap on the floor. Instead of braiding my hair or pulling it upward, I tied it in a loose ponytail – a compromise.

Access to hair. You didn’t mean to ask for the impossible.

I’m no Samson. I know that for a fact. I already lost my hair and gained strength instead when it happened, but not without feeling crushed and disoriented. You didn’t know what was lost to me back then. You couldn’t know, not after playing with over two feet of hair locked securely in my scalp.